On Boys

I always liked boys. I didn't have the common revulsion of the opposite gender most people go through at some point in my life. In fact, I got along rather well with boys when I was younger. Or so I thought. 

Before I hit puberty, boys were interesting because they were a novelty. They were different than me and my friends, and that made them mysterious. I wanted to find out more. I had multiple 'crushes' when I was younger that I was convinced were love. The innocence of children. 

After I hit puberty, well, my horomones were going crazy. I managed to make it through years 12 and 13 without really having a serious crush on anyone, for which I am eternally grateful. But it was when I hit fourteen that I realized I had a serious crush on one of my guyfriends, K. 

And after lots of subtle flirting, messages, and confusion, I finally decided that I had to ask him. Face-to-face. Whether he liked me or not. 

Now, after personally having been through it, I would not advise this method to anyone. However, I did it, and I guess you could say it worked, because turned out he did like me back.

You would think I would have been happy for days. But instead, after a brief moment of happiness, it changed to worry. What the heck was I supposed to do now? What was going to happen? We lived a fair distance away from each other, so it wasn't like we could date even if I was old enough for that. But I brushed all that worry aside and just enjoyed the moment. That is, until K. tried to initiate physical contact.

It wasn't anything huge. Just an arm around my shoulder to pull my close. But it freaked the *&%$ out of me. The minute he let go I bolted. And that evening, lying in bed staring at the ceiling, I couldn't seem to find any of the feelings that I had previously felt for him. Fast forward a week and I could see that my crush was officially over.

The only problem now was, what the heck did I tell K.? You can't tell someone: "I'm sorry, I really did like you for a while, but when you tried to touch me I was kind of grossed out and now I don't like you anymore,"

I eventually sent him a message over fb, telling him that I thought it would be better if we were just friends seeing as I couldn't be in a physical relationship right now. Mostly B.S. but better than hurting him horribly. Luckily the feelings about it were mutual. Or at least I thought they were.

A few weeks ago I was talking to K. again, who now has another girlfriend. It was nice to sort of clear the air about what had happened, but at the same time I had no idea how badly I'd hurt him. He told me he'd been mad for months afterwards and felt like I'd been leading him on. Needless to say I felt terrible. 

And experiencing this whole convoluted mess has made me extremely wary when entering any kind of a potentially romantic situation with a guy. I don't like liking people. I really don't. For me, it kind of sucks actually. So I really don't want to fall for PC. But what's worrying me even more now is the banquet. Or more specifically, the dance after the banquet.

If I was scared by physical contact before, who's to say it won't happen again? What if PC asks me to slowdance? What do I say? Apart from the fact that I'm a terrible dancer, there's the whole part about his hands on your waist and your hands around his neck. That's pretty physical. So of course I'm nervous. 

I need advice and/or encouragement, my lovely blog readers. I don't know what to do.