Hello blog. Meet life.

So, I know it's been, well, forever. Long enough for some stuff to have happened that I guess you should get an update on. But I don't have that long so I'll just give you the point form (comment if you want me to expand on something).

1. Sadie Hawkins was spent avoiding PC at all costs because I realized that while he may finally like me, I actually no longer like him to the point of being repulsed by him. 
2. I like someone else now, who we'll call T. but I'm not getting all swoony over this one. Mostly because I'm slightly very embarrassed of all the: "I like him so much it hurts" and other nonsense. Emotions can do horrible, horrible things. NO I AM NOT CYNICAL. Maybe a little.
3. School's almost over--hahahahhahahahahahhaahahahahaha I am way too happy about this.
4. I really can't think of anything else momentous. So that just goes to show you that you haven't really missed much. Not that anyone's READING THIS (no hinting here) so I guess it really doesn't matter.
5. Oh yeah, I'm writing another play.
6. And starting a fitness club.
7. And helping out with a music camp.
8. I'm really done now.

Angel

Sadie Hawkins

Sadie Hawkins! What is it? What does it mean? Where does it come from? Today, we will be exploring all these questions and more as we delve deep into the history and symbolism ... okay, I'll just stop there. Basically what that means is I read 2 articles online about this and now I think I'm an expert. Well, not really. But I will attempt to tell you something you wouldn't already know about Sadie Hawkins. If you don't like learning new things ... well ... just leave. Now. Or start enjoying it!

WELL THEN. * ahem * The original Sadie Hawkins was actually a female character in the comic strip L'il Abner. I didn't read that much, but apparently in the strip, they have a "Sadie Hawkins Day" and all the female bachelorettes (including the absolutely hideous looking Ms. Hawkins herself) have a footrace with the male bachelors and if a female bachelorette manages to tag one before the finish line and drag him, kicking and screaming, back, he has to marry her. 

Sadie Hawkins herself!

I have to admit that it's fairly funny, although slightly degrading, implying that being a female bachelorette is very undesirable. Admittedly, it was in the 1930s, but still. Anyways, that's the history of the name. What Sadie Hawkins is now used as is a dance where the girls ask the guys, I guess instead of mugging them in a footrace. It's a pretty wide-spread phenomenon and even has a song written about it (check out the link at the end of the post)

I'm not super old fashioned, myself, and so I have no problems with girls asking guys out, though I probably wouldn't do it myself (for other reasons, though). And even when it came to asking someone to the Sadie Hawkins we're having at our school ... I was a little nervous. But I went out and did it. I got my guyfriend J. to slip a little ticket I'd written out asking PC to the dance on Friday. Unfortunately I didn't see him after that so I don't know whether it's a yes or no. But I'm not even that worried, actually. I feel more in control lately than I have for a while. 

I was going to write about the Horrible Grocery Store Embarrassment That Happened When My Dad Met PC And His Mom but I guess we'll have to save that for later because I have to leave now. I'm hopefully getting a new camera today and I'm thinking of starting to post pictures on here. Not of myself (I'm Ms. Anonymous, come on) but of different, cool things. Really cool. Let me know what you think and sorry for the somewhat lame post.

xoxo

Angel

► 2:55► 2:55

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpzQWztuXow

PC Again

I like him. I like him so much it hurts. 
I kind of thought that I was over, or getting over him for a while. But it seems that either I was wrong or all the feelings have come back in a hurry.
I had an orchestra concert at the concert hall today, in which I played a solo piece. With my hair done up fancy and makeup and a tight dress and—I have to say—I felt beautiful. Which I normally don't, and I'd venture to say I did look pretty good as well. 
And PC came. Whether because my friend KA. invited him or because he liked my other friends C. and J., or, and I doubt this, because he wanted to see me. 
I would give way too much to know what went through PC's head the first time he saw me that evening, when I walked out on stage to all that applause and I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Was he thinking how beautiful I looked? Maybe just how dressed up I was? Or maybe he was just waiting for me to play, because he likes classical music and he would be the kind of guy to just enjoy the music. What I wouldn't give to know.

I sat between PC and J. on the way back home. We had a great conversation, interesting and more deep than the ones we usually do. It was hard to concentrate, though, when every time his leg touched mine it sent shocks up and down my entire body. I've never had such a physical reaction to somebody, when one touch can light your entire body on fire. It kind of scared me but at the same time I kept envisioning what it would be like to, well, this is embarrassing, but to slowdance with him again. To have his hands on my waist and him a lot closer than arms length away. Okay, I feel stupid saying that, but it's what I thought. 

I like him, and I'm going to admit it and not try to hide it. But I don't know if I want him to know that, yet. We have our last school dance in around two and a half weeks (ironically, on my older brother N.'s birthday) and it's Sadie Hawkins, which means the girls ask the guys. And I  really do want to ask PC. But I don't know if I can or should or if he'd want to ... or if I could dance or if he'd want to dance after the christmas banquet. 

I'm going to do my best not to obsess over it all weekend. It probably won't work.

Love,
Angel

Endings and Beginnings

I've always found beginnings more exciting than endings. When it comes to watching movies, reading books, writing, drawing, anything. A shining blank page, that new book smell, the opening credits ... but most of all, the feeling that anything, absolutely anything could happen. You simply don't know, and that's the beauty. When the surprise comes from yourself (and it's a good surprise) it's especially exciting. 

Endings have never been my favourite. I've only ever finished one story, and it was a short story. I just never seem to want to finish any of my stories, which is sad. Most things I finish out of sheer stubbornness because admitting defeat would mean giving up. It's a helpful trait for certain things (it's the ONLY thing that got me through Lent with no sweets), but for others, it's hard. For instance: if I'm doing something annoying and someone tells me to stop, my first instinct is to take it as a highly personal insult and keep going. It's stupid, and makes no sense, but that's what I think. There's many other things like that where stubbornness, or pigheadedness, as my mom calls it, can get in the way.

My Grandpa on my mom's side is a perfect example of that. I'm not exactly sure what he all has, but an array of mental issues stemming from some sort of PTSD that include dementia and 'mental' pain, as in pain that has no physical reason but messed up neurons or somethings. I'm no expert, but it's causing his pigheaded nature to go off the deep end. It's kind of like a real-life lesson of 'I don't want to be that'. 

But back to beginnings and endings. I've begun to suspect, recently, that the problem I have isn't really with either. I think it's more with the present moment. I start something and immediately start thinking about the end, what the finished product will be, without regards to how I'm getting there.The present moment, in other words, is what could use more work. Enjoying what I'm doing and just living instead of always thinking about tomorrow, which, after all, never comes.

My words aren't flowing as they usually do today, so I'll leave you with this to end that captures more what I'm talking about than I can. I think this may be my favourite quote of all time, and definitely my favourite from Lord of the Rings.

Masks

One of my friends was talking about masks: why we wear them and how we can take them off.

I thought I'd share a poem I wrote around a year ago in a darker period. It's all about wearing a mask and what it can do. 

Alone

Everyone looks, but they don’t see.

 That I’m smiling as I cry.

It’s my deepest secret.

I’m laughing, but inside I bleed. 

They think they know me. 

Everyone sees the mask on my face,

 Not the tears behind.

I’m a master of lies and cover-ups.

The real me is muted, hidden. 

Behind layers of glass

Face distorted.

The words I say—

They don’t mean anything.

Like a butterfly with new, crumpled wings, 

Not ready to show my colors to the world. 

I’m hiding, scared and small. 

Alone, but surrounded by people. 

Cold, but their smiles are warm. 

Alone. 

Give and Take

I'm not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. I'm more of a plan-every-moment-obsessively kind of girl. And I'm good with that, mostly. But sometimes I just have to let go, at least partially. I've hosted more than a few parties in my lifetime, and I'm not bad at it, to be honest. But I have made the mistake of trying to over-schedule, Let me tell you something right now, if you didn't already know: guests at a party care about a schedule a whole lot less than you do. And they tend to stop and talk a lot, exactly when your schedule says to move on. But after a few slight mishaps, I've realized this isn't a problem as much as a fact about parties: your schedule should revolve around the guests, not the other way around.

And this year, I think I've finally found that balance. I threw a Valentine's Day party yesterday and it went pretty smashingly. I'd planned enough stuff to break the ice but there was still a lot of "unscheduled" fun. 

PC was there. My close friend C. basically forced me to invite him. She knew I wanted to, I just didn't have the guts to. I guess I'm grateful. I think even he had a pretty good time. 

The only downside was the fact that I've given up all sweets for Lent. Which for me, even normally is a huge deal. I practically live on sweets. I'm pretty skinny, mostly because I don't eat very much and have a crazy fast metabolism. But I eat way too much chocolate and candy. I can just get away with it, I guess. But on a spur-of-the-moment decision (one of the few I make that way) I heard a friend was giving up sweets and I decided to as well. 

Today is my seventh day without any sugar and, well, I'll be honest and say it's really hard. Especially when you host a party and you bring out platter after platter of cupcakes, chocolate, and cookies and you can't eat any of it. But I've almost made it through one week. And the second week should be easier, right?

I don't know really where I'm going with this. Just that I've realized life is much more give and take. That however much you try to schedule things, in the end they have their own way of working out. To set limits on things and make goals is way easier than carrying them out. But if you set your mind to something, and want it badly enough, it will happen.

xoxoxo
Angel

10 Things You Wouldn't Know

I feel tired of hiding behind a mask I don't even like, but yet not brave enough to take it off. Luckily, you guys have never seen my mask because I've never seen you. But, I digress and present you with this:

10 Things You Wouldn't Know About Me Just By Looking (or even talking to me for a while without getting to know me really, really well for a long time)

1. I am incredibly stubborn to the point of mulishness.

2. I am a perfectionist, but not the good kind. If something screws up, I either want to give it up or restart it but since I'm stubborn I keep going while hating it anyways. In other words, if something doesn't work out perfectly, I'm not a happy camper.

3. I like writing, but I don't do it as much as I should. I've been writing fiction since I was 8.

4. I have written, co-directed, and performed 4 of my own plays. 

5. When I was 12, I had around a six-month battle with anorexia that left me at around 5'6" and under 100 lbs. To this day, even at 5'9" and 130 lbs, I still see parts of myself as fat and ugly, and I still feel bad eating anything unhealthy.

6. I'm pretty much the klutziest person you will ever meet.

7. I get mildly ridiculously good grades in school and I honestly don't find it that hard. Over 95 % good. 

8. I play violin at an ARCT level and Piano at a Grade 9 Level and sing badly too.

9. I have perfect pitch.

10. I learned to read at age 4. 

Chain Reactions

It's funny how one thing can so easily trigger another, sometimes without us even noticing it, until, like a train of dominos, we reach the end result. One of the most powerful things I've found I can do to get results is to figure out what my 'trigger' is, or what tips over the first domino. 

It's funny, because I'm not a morning person at all. Because I have a 50-minute ride to school every day, I'm usually up at 6:30, but not because that's when I'm actually fully functioning. During the weekends and holidays, I could sleep in till 11:00 every day even if I go to bed at 10. It's slightly ridiculous. But I've also realized that if I do sleep in till 11 I hardly get anything done and it takes me forever to get the day started. It makes me feel lazy and unproductive before I even do anything.

This morning, I woke up at 8:00, read for a half hour, and then got out of bed. And just getting up at a decent hour inspired me to eat a good breakfast, which inspired me to practice violin for an hour right aways, which inspired me to eat an apple instead of chocolate as a snack, which inspired me to blog. 

I love feeling productive, organized, and ontop of things. I hate feeling like I'm wasting time. But I've learned that if I make sure to make good decisions first of all, I can actually do something to change that. And I've also learned that I can't work, work, work without breaks, as much as I'd like to. And there's nothing wrong with rewarding myself with a half hour of time, doing, well, nothing. 

I feel ready for a good day. I think I'm going to have one.

xoxoxoxo

Angel

Not Real Decisions

You know those great decisions that aren't really decisions? When someone else decides something for you, or when you don't have a choice, or when it's not really a decision, it's a realization. That's what happened to me. The last one, that is.

And I know this is not a real decision because it is the worst decision I could have possibly chose to make in this situation. Because even though he doesn't like me, and even quite possibly hates me, I have come to the inevitable conclusion that I like him. PC, that is.

I don't really know what to think of this. On one hand, I think: "Well, that is just my luck. To pick the one guy in school who I've got zero chance with."

But the other part of me, the more depressed part of me, is saying: "It's your fault. You had your chance, and you screwed it up. He probably did like you and it's your fault that he no longer does,"

At this point, it probably doesn't even matter what's true or not. But what makes me sadder than the fact that I like someone who doesn't like me at all is the fact that I lost the chance to make a real friend. An intelligent and geniunely good person, one of the few in my school, and he's the one that hates me.

But then, I always was better at screwing things up than making things go right.

Angel

Early Bird

The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours.  No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen.  And the fact that it practically always doesn't, matters not a jot.  The possibility is always there.  

~Monica Baldwin

I like mornings, and this quote sums up a lot about the way I feel. I think we often forget the beauty of mornings, of sunrises, and of waking up, lost in the blaring of our alarm clocks and world-weary routine of our morning habits. But there is a certain beauty in mornings, as Monica says: "No matter how weary .... you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen." Absolutely anything! That's a wonderful possibility. We take that for granted way too much. The next bit of the quote is also wonderful: "The fact that it practically always doesn't, matters not a jot." When one wakes up hopeful in the mornings, open to new things and new experiences and excited to watch the day unfold, you'll almost always find something meaningful, even if nothing wildly extraordinary does. And even if you don't, there's always tomorrow.

I think we, as humans, depend an awful lot on possibilities. Is it intrinsic in our nature to be hopeful? It's a nice thought, but doesn't always lead to nice consequences. Gambling, lottery tickets, reckless driving—in some ways, those are all playing with the possibilities. Logic says: don't play with these odds, and yet we do. Over and over and over again. In this context, it might seem depressing, but in the context of mornings, it seems comforting. What do we have to lose by envisioning endless possibilities for our day, or remembering that "absolutely anything may happen"? 

Do you remember any mornings when you got up to do your morning routine and suddenly the entire day changed? Maybe your parents told you that you were going on a surprise holiday or some other exciting news. Perhaps your job was cancelled for that day. Most of us have had this experience, and mostly, it's a wonderful feeling. The day suddenly seems endless, stretching out before us in hours and hours of unplanned-ness. 

That's what happened to me this morning. I was up at six-thirty, perhaps more awake than I usually am, but certainly not in a hopeful or happy mood. I was halfway through washing up when my Dad told me school was cancelled due to weather. 

Perhaps it shouldn't have been as surprising as it was. It took me a few moments to process this, and then go through my now-empty-ish day. Being up before seven with nothing to do till much later is quite a freeing feeling. It's shocked me out of my routine mornings, and I'm grateful for that. One of the benefits to being up so early is that on the ride to school, I always get to see the sunrise. Then I can take a moment to really soak in the beauty of  morning. But why does the beauty of morning have to wait till eight o'clock? Why can't it start the minute you first open your eyes? Next time a day takes a different turn, I don't want to be as surprised. I want to face my mornings with much more hopefulness, eagerness, and anticipation. Because you really do never know what might happen.

-Angel

Attention, Readers

Okay, I know I'm not the most frequent updaters. But when it's pretty much just for my benefit, I only seem to blog when I feel like I need to. E.g. when life is awesome or sucky. But currently my life isn't much at all. It's back to school, and it's kinda sad when it only takes a day to feel like you've been there all along. I'm sure you know that bittersweet back-to-school feeling. So, if you're reading this, take a second. Comment. Ask me any question and I'll answer it. Stay anonymous, if you want. But if you can take the time to read this, maybe take the time to learn something interesting. It's so easy to be detached in cyberspace when no-one is there to tell you what to do. Take a minute to be interested.

xoxoxo

Angel